Founders Corner – The ART of Listening

Children Will Listen from the Stephen Sondheim’s Broadway show, Into The Woods.

You may not have expected to open this month’s Founder’s Corner to experience me singing. Yet given this month is all about listening, I thought it fitting to grab your attention by demonstrating the impact and power of Listening.

Hi, I’m Byron Darden with another edition of Leading with Purpose on Purpose. In our continuing series on Transitions, this month we focus on The ART of Listening and its impact on relationship building. This is a particularly significant topic when you consider the emotions that are stirred when we find ourselves moving through major transitions in our lives. 

Whether I’m coaching leaders transitioning within their organizations to more senior roles, advising them on how to approach retirement, or making the decision to leave their corporate jobs to start their own firms, launch a nonprofit organization, or simply follow their aspirations beyond 9am to 5pm (which I must admit is a timeframe from another era), it is the listening that lies at the foundation of how I help clients get from their current state to their desired future state. 

I cannot recall the last time I worked with an executive who worked exclusively within the hours of 9 to 5. Which most likely leads to some of the desires they share with me about what more they would like to do with their lives going into their future. One of the ways in which I help many leaders is to inspire them to master their own listening. That sometimes means listening to the internal voice we all have that can lead us in the direction that most calls to us. That is when we can hear that inner voice over all the noise that often permeates our environment in order to build a stronger relationship with ourselves. Enjoy!

Explore the Art of Listening.

The ART of listening, as we define it, is the ability to bring one’s full attention to the speaker, and be present without interruptions or distractions. You engage in what is being shared and not being shared, identified through all your senses. It involves:

1. Thinking: Actively processing and reflecting on the speaker’s words and their implications. In the Buddhist tradition, the sixth sense is aligned with thinking vs ESP.
2. Seeing: Observing the speaker’s body language for additional insights and cues.
3. Hearing: Paying attention to the words spoken, vocal inflections, word choice, and emotional tone.
4. Smell:  When we experience life and others, we may be aware of scent associations that we often give little attention to, such as when I think of my grandparents with whom I associate with the smell of the farm or the musty basement beneath the farmhouse.
5. Taste: Being attuned to any olfactory cues that may reveal additional layers of meaning. An example of this is when I think of my mother, I’m often reminded of a scent she wore or the lemon icebox pie she used to make for me on special occasions.
6. Feeling: Sensing the speaker’s emotions and intentions through their expressions and the sensations they evoke in oneself.

Though all our senses play a role in deep listening, what we perceive visually and physically outweighs auditory input by more than 50%. Taking this into account, we draw on our ART model to remind us to Approach our listening with a sense of curiosity and openness. We Resolve whatever issue is at hand by giving the speaker our full attention with the intention of reaching a conclusion, determination, or settlement. The accomplishment or desired impact that follows is the release of Tension that results from an effective and accurately received message.   

As you will note, listening is so much more than just hearing someone’s words. It is also listening through our senses to what the speaker is conveying (intention). We listen in this way to the messages our mind, body, and spirit convey in service to our protection, growth, and development. Think of it as listening to your gut. Examples of this are what is learned through meditation and somatic work.  

Listening itself comes in many forms depending on your environment. Here are some common types of listening and when you might use them.

1. Informational Listening focuses on understanding the message being conveyed. It’s used when you want to remember what is being said. You’ll use this type of listening in work training, self-paced learning, or when listening to a coach or mentor.
2. Discriminative Listening involves distinguishing different sounds, voices, pitch, or quality. It’s the most basic form of listening and helps us understand the basic auditory information in communication. Think of this as reading between the lines, such as when someone says “Yes” and they clearly mean “No.”
3. Selective or Biased Listening means that you hear what you want to hear. This can lead to misunderstandings as you fail to fully process the message of the speaker.
4. Sympathetic Listening is where you focus on understanding the speaker’s feelings, emotions, and perspectives. It involves having and demonstrating compassion, empathy, and sensitivity towards the speaker’s experiences and concerns.
5. Comprehensive Listening focuses on understanding the message being conveyed. It involves grasping the main ideas, details, and overall context of what is being communicated.
6. Therapeutic Listening focuses on providing support and understanding to the speaker. It involves creating a safe space for the speaker to express their thoughts, feelings, and struggles without blame or judgment. 
7. Critical Listening involves analyzing and evaluating the message being presented. It requires assessing the validity of the information, considering the speaker’s credibility, and examining the arguments for evidence provided.
   

All of these types of listening can have the ART model applied to them.

Learn how to Build Relationships through the ART of Listening.

Improving listening skills is vital for better communication and stronger relationships. Here we explore the shift from old habits that hinder communication to new practices that foster deep understanding and connection:

Move Away From	Move Toward
Multi-Tasking	Single-Tasking
Waiting to Share	Focus on What is Shared
Quick to React	Pause to Respond
Judging	Curiosity
Assessing	Empathizing
Indifference	Compassion
Hearing	Listening
Distracted	Being Present

Each one of these pairs represents a chance to improve your listening skills. Mindfulness meditation is at the core of each Move Toward recommendation. What is most challenging for many who consider the practice of meditation is that they find it too difficult or not something they are cut out to do. You are not alone. I could not meditate successfully when I first began. So what can be done?

Given there are so many obstacles that can get in the way of quieting the mind, there are ways to work through this often challenging form of centering. The first step that supported me and many like those of us who find it difficult at first is to ask for help before you assume you “can’t” do it. When I taught figure skating invariably students who believed something was too difficult would often respond with, “I can’t!” 

I would pull out a marker and write the word “Can” on the ice. Then I would underline the word and proceed to draw a vertical line down from the underlined word and add the letters, “ry” spelling “Try.” We both had a laugh and I would proceed with, “Let me show you how before you adopt the idea that something is impossible.” Asking for help is the first step.

Obstacles that often get in the way include stress, exhaustion, hunger, pain, and strong emotions. The very reason we meditate is to reduce stress that can lead to exhaustion and compound the issue. Therefore it comes with the practice of meditation itself that allows us to overcome these very stresses in our lives that lead us to meditate in the first place.

It can also help to better understand the benefits of meditation which include boosting the immune system. High stress levels for extended periods of time and experienced with frequency release the hormone in the body called cortisol. Lower levels of cortisol flowing through the body allow it to fight off infection. The added benefit is that less cortisol triggers reduce inflammation as well as chronic pain and the higher risk associated with heart disease. 

Through meditation, you can also lower your blood pressure. As an athlete, my training over time lowered my blood pressure which was a positive outcome among many because I developed improved focus and learned to maintain calmness over the many years I skated. When I would go for a physical, my doctors noted my lower blood pressure. This led to a calmer state of being that developed over time in skating. It served me well from a health perspective. 

There are alternatives to meditation. One significant alternative for me was practicing compulsory school figures; in those figure eights, we would draw on the ice with our blades as we continued round and round the circles until we achieved excellence in shape and tracing of the patterns. Although figure eights are no longer a compulsory part of the sport, other meditative practices such as walking in nature, gazing up at the clouds, and rhythmic drumming are a few options to consider.

What shocked me when I began meditating twenty years ago was discovering that all those years of figure skating proved meditative. I had no idea that I already knew how to meditate. I just hadn’t been told about it. When I discovered that, I was reminded of Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz learning that she could go home all along after a whimsical journey through the land of Oz.

While I may not be a meditation teacher, I’ve learned from my teachers how to meditate and help others get started. So allow me to offer a sneak peek at what I’ve learned to do and perhaps you will want to try it yourself before you adopt the belief that you CAN’T!

Click here to meditate along with me.

Learn more ways to practice your listening skills in Try This.

When I was developing my listening skills to earn the RLP® designation, I was struck by the power that my listening had on my partner. While I have been developing my listening and different types of listening over the years, I’ve continually learned so much about the nuance of listening that I’m amazed at how much more there is to learn. During my training, a story was shared with the group that really landed for me. It involved a husband and wife who attended a function during which the husband decided to just bring his acute listening skills to his interactions with other attendees. He shared how he moved around the room and focused on just his listening skills. He spoke little and simply listened and demonstrated his listening through body language and by being completely present with each person with whom he spoke.

When the couple prepared to leave the function, guests were so enamored with him that they were all excited about this incredible guest they met and wanted to meet again. He went with no agenda and only the goal of being a good listener. The key takeaway: Listen and take interest in others and they will remember and appreciate you long after you’ve gone.

By contrast, one must be discerning about self-protection when listening to others so as not to allow others to emotionally dump on them. Another account of a “good listener” I recently heard, was about a colleague of mine who allowed themselves to be fully present for the speaker who proceeded to dump their problems onto my colleague. By the end of the conversation, my colleague shared how worn out they were and how the speaker droned on to such a degree, that when my friend walked away, they felt as though a load of garbage had just been poured all over them. Not enough focus on self-protection was taken in that instance. 

For this reason, we must take care of ourselves so that we do not feel as though we become a dumpster for others to drop their woes upon us. In these situations, it is important to set boundaries for ourselves. Here are a few thoughts to consider when in a position to listen so as not to be overloaded with the challenges of others:

1. Set limits on how much time you can afford to give to others. Let the speaker know up front how much time you have to give. Then be your word. When we do not hold to our boundaries we are telling the other person that they have the power to override our boundaries.
2. When others have shared their boundaries with you, be sure to acknowledge that boundary before you cross it. You might say something along the lines of, “I just noted that our time is almost up. Are you in a position to allow this conversation to continue?” Should the person say yes, ask how much more time they have, and hold to it? Should they say no? Be sure not to continue. That other person will respect you more and will most likely not avoid speaking to you in the future.
3. Set limits on what the topic will include and what it will not include. Avoid being the person who takes the other for granted and move into topics that were not agreed upon. This is a great opportunity to share an agreed-upon agenda and stick to it. I have found myself breaking this rule with my team. It doesn’t put you in the category of respecting those with whom you work.
4. When you do flounder, be sure to apologize and make an effort not to repeat the offense. Particularly in business, the fastest way to lose the respect of others is to become a repeat offender. The rule of thumb here is that when you are out of integrity. Acknowledge it, and check to see whether there is anything you can do to get back in integrity with the other person. Then listen and commit to correct the error.

Learn how becoming a better listener can Differentiate Yourself from your peers.

“Listening is a master skill for personal and professional greatness.” – Robin S. Sharma

Did you know that people can listen to up to 450 words per minute, Yet their thoughts race ahead at a staggering pace of about 1,000 to 3,000 words per minute? This striking contrast highlights the challenge of staying fully engaged and attentive during conversations. While our ears can take in information at a rapid rate, our minds often wander, processing thoughts and ideas at a much faster speed. This phenomenon underscores the importance of actively practicing focused listening techniques, such as mindfulness and active engagement, to bridge the gap between our listening and thinking speeds. By doing so, we can enhance our ability to understand, empathize, and connect with others on a deeper level.

One of the ways you can improve your listening skills is to connect with me to explore options that work with your learning style and needs. Book an introductory call with me and learn how you can distinguish yourself from your peers with amazing listening skills.