Relationship building is a skill I love to support my clients in developing for two reasons. One, I get great pleasure in the nuance involved in the process itself. To experience the growth and development of a relationship is similar to watching performance art take shape. Two, when I discover I’m failing at building a particular relationship, I learn so much more about how to improve my approach, change the frame around how I will build new relationships, and most importantly, grow from the art of apology.

Sometimes we suck at doing certain things well. Those are the moments I most easily realize I am having a breakdown just before the breakthrough! It’s the latter that makes the former worth making the effort as I’ve experienced many times. I think it is my tenure in figure skating that taught me the value of repetition. While I’m not a sculptor, I think of relationships as something to hone and shape with my heart and mind and through my skills as a communicator.

It’s all about developing people. Sometimes those people are friends and family while other times it’s the cashier at my local grocery store who cried boohoo about working on her birthday. I had a little extra time on my hands that day. So I went to a local coffee shop, got a gift card, and picked up a birthday card at the local drug store. I wrote a short note of appreciation, put the gift card inside the greeting card, returned to the grocery store later in the day to present the token of acknowledgement to the cashier. Just to see her smile and light up at the thought was worth the effort I put forth. Going forward, she recognized me and spoke beyond the usual pleasantries while most of us limit our focus to getting done and getting out. The greatest part of the effort is experiencing how I grew in that situation. That is where the magic begins.

That magic extends in how such moments prepare us to show up more effectively in others. Over time, I’ve learned to take advantage of the reality of one mouth and two ears to invest more in listening rather than broadcasting. It’s in the listening that the precious jewels and pearls of significant information spill forth to fill your treasure chest of what I call the “connective tissue” that leads to building solid relationships.

Take the Leadership Styles Quiz and learn how you can develop stronger relationships with others.

When I work with groups of leaders who need to build business relationships, I ask them to choose a partner based on specific criteria:

1. Choose someone they do not know very well. Or at all.
2. Choose someone who they believe is very different than they are.

It’s very interesting to see the results of this exercise.  Here’s an example: in one of my sessions, there was an African American woman who partnered with an Eastern European male who had blond hair and blue eyes.  After talking for a while, they discovered that despite their physical differences and assumed obvious cultural differences, they had more in common than either of them ever imagined.  The lesson to take away here is that our assumptions sometimes could not be further from the truth.  Always keep an open mind and stay curious.

How we identify with others gives us a sense of uniqueness and is what makes us an individual.  We naturally compare ourselves to others.  In a healthy way, this does not lead to jealousy. Rather, it serves to illuminate our traits in contrast to the traits of others.  It defines our role in society.

Examples of this are:

• You might see yourself as a woman in contrast to a man.
• You identify as a leader in contrast to another who might be a follower.
• You are the designer of the product rather than the user.
• You are creative rather than analytical. Or both!

Building relationships are central to being human.  We thrive on our connection with others and our desire to be a part of the bigger picture.  We have a longing to be a part of a community where we live, work, and play in unity.  This is a way of validating ourselves and our purpose.

One of the hallmarks of a good relationship is the fact that it provides a mutual benefit to the parties involved.  The way we define this benefit is unique. Here are some possible ways.

• Build your Network – Creating a relationship with someone often leads to relationships with their contacts.  Of course, building a relationship based solely on who they might know is a recipe for disaster. Instead, genuinely getting to know someone can lead to more connections in the future.
• Improve Essential Skills – Communication, empathy, and teamwork all improve through interaction with others.  Developing these skills leads to deeper connections.
• Helps You Through the Hard Times – Solid relationships can help you both weather the ups and downs of the economy or a project.  A relationship can provide a sounding board and at least one person who solidly understands a situation.  The support must stay a two-way street.

Relationships can vary depending on the objectives of the parties involved.  There are three basic levels of working relationships to pursue: 

1. To start building simple relationships, identify potential people that you would like to get to know and open the lines of communication.  As you get to know each other, recognize differences and conflicts of interest, and decide that the relationship should move forward for mutual benefit.
2. As you proceed, start to develop more professional working relationships in individual, group, or team situations.  Engage and promote clear communication while recognizing any conflicts of interest and working through those to further mutual benefits.
3. Advanced relationship building will allow you to develop external relationships that will create business opportunities and influence change.  These will create a network and expand your horizons. 

Here are some things to keep in mind while building relationships.  None of these is more important than the other and any of these can make or break the dynamic.

1. Valuable Contribution – Relationships are give-and-take situations.  Each person must feel valued, and each person must provide value.  When either person feels the relationship is uneven, it will start to falter.
2. Encouragement – Knowing that someone is on your side is extremely important.  A great relationship provides this benefit.
3. Manage Expectations – Going into a relationship with thoughts that the other person is going to have all the answers and be your biggest cheerleader might set you up for disappointment.  Be realistic about what the other person can provide.
4. Mentoring – Realize that you each have something to learn from the other.  You might set up a relationship with someone who is a role model.  Treat that relationship with respect and honor the information given.
5. Confidentiality – Any relationship requires a sense of trust. When you share personal information, make sure you are clear and forthcoming that it is not to be shared with others.  Assume that it is not your story to tell unless you believe someone else is in harm’s way.
6. Collaboration – Working together on an activity or project is a great way to build relationships. 
7. Challenge – A relationship does not mean that you agree 100% of the time.  Knowing how to navigate this conflict and work through differences to reach a conclusion is vital.
8. Honesty – This really is the best medicine.  Work relationships ebb and flow just like all others.  When something is not working, don’t wait for it to blow up in your face.  Have an open conversation.