Lessons From Life

Posted on by Byron Darden

I was reading the book Working With Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goldman and read an account of a senior leader who was rather cross with the staff he led. 

There was so much commotion in the room with the leader ranting about some issue they were having when one of the team members calmly shared a different perspective. It took a great deal of courage for this individual to speak up. When they did, the senior leader seemed to speak over the staff member and that person continued in a calm and focused manner to state their case. Eventually, the senior leader acquiesced and allowed the individual to share their perspective. 

When I read the account I recalled what I had learned in meditation and wondered whether or not this person had meditation as a practice in their lives that allowed them to manage the volatile situation at hand. 

Similarly, I was teaching a group of junior consultants in a firm about developing their personal presence when a senior leader walked into the room and admonished one of their underlings for taking time away from work to attend such a class. 

The leader inquired about the topic of the class and the junior consultant responded about deepening their learning about presence. The senior leader scoffed, “I can teach you that in just a few minutes, and then you can get back to work.” The senior leader then closed the door and left.

I found that to be a disruptive and counterproductive act in front of the group considering their goals, particularly for me as a coach and for the junior consultant to whom the comment was made. I was also quite shocked that someone, particularly a senior leader at the firm, would do such a thing. I remember asking who that was and then excused myself from the class and followed the senior leader to their office. I calmly expressed my displeasure with what they just did and shared my concern that while possibly humorous to them, it was destructive to what I was there to accomplish for the sake of the organization. The senior leader was clearly caught off guard and apologized. 

When I returned to the class, they asked what had happened and I told them. You could have heard a pin drop in the room for the remainder of the training. The lesson learned is that there is a way to stand your ground when you are calm and collected rather than allow an amygdala hijack to render you ineffective in handling challenging situations.

I began my meditative practice at the age of thirteen when I began practicing my compulsory school figures as an ice skater. I did not know it at the time, though I believe my coaches knew what they were doing when practice time began with Hawaiian music that inspired my body to move in smooth and deliberately focused ways that allowed me to master the art of figure skating. That training prepared me well for an incident that took place many years later when I was living in Boston.

I arrive home in the middle of the day. Dressed in khakis, a blue button-down shirt, with penny loafers on my feet. A very New England look at the time. There is a torn screen door on the front of my home. Another on the back door. I plan to remove the screens. Time to take them both in for repair. It’s a bit warm, so I take off my shirt leaving me with just an undershirt to stay cool without changing entirely before moving on to the repair shop. 

I complete the effort of taking off the screen at the front of the property, the door propped open to allow the breeze to move easily through the house. I move to the back door, repeating the removal there as well, sweat beginning to run down my back. Suddenly a police officer appears in my backyard, hand on his gun, questioning a report he received from a neighbor that someone was taking screens off the doors of my house. I confirmed that was exactly what I was doing. He asks who I am in relation to the property. “This is my house and I am taking screens off the doors. Would you like to see my identification to confirm? It is sitting on the kitchen counter. Is it alright that I go and get it? Or do you wish to accompany me to do so?” A bit shaken, the police officer begins to relax and expresses his trust that I am safe to move out of his sight. 

Frankly, I was surprised by his response. Having grown up with an attorney for a father and having traveled with him a few times to get depositions from incarcerated defendants that he represented, I knew the lay of the land in managing law enforcement. I remained calm and respectful of his authority, having grown up to carry a slight fear of police when it comes to being a man of color. This is no time for an amygdala hijack!

I return with my identification to show the police officer that I indeed reside at this residence. He is satisfied that all is well when I calmly and matter-of-factly ask which neighbor was kind enough to look out for the safety of our neighbors. I want to express my gratitude that they are looking out for those of us on our block.

Typically an officer should never reveal such information. Yet, I was able to disarm him by remaining cool and calm and by not being reactive to the situation that suggested I was being accused of breaking and entering my own home. He willingly tells me the address. Another surprise! 

Lesson learned, when stimulated to the level of an Amygdala Hijack, one profits greatly from remembering that we are not being chased by prehistoric predators. We are reacting to a pre-historic part of our bodies that remains to protect us. We need this protection, even in cases when our lives are not being threatened. Though it may feel as though that is exactly what is happening.

LET’S CHAT!

Creating a Trauma-Aware Workplace

Posted on by Byron Darden

According to the US Department of Veterans Affairs, 6 in 10 men and 5 in 10 women will experience some sort of trauma in their lives.  Moreover, most of us will experience a trauma that could lead to PTSD.  

Of those who experience trauma, 70-90 percent of individuals will not do the work to move past their trauma.  Less than 30% of individuals will take the steps to manage their adversity and 5% of individuals truly take the time to heal from their traumas and harness their true potential.  I truly believe it’s that 5% that become leaders that others look up to.  Those leaders are tough, yet vulnerable.  They possess a presence that encourages others to listen and follow.  They provide hope for a fruitful future.

Most importantly, these 5% recognize the need for trauma-aware workplaces.  Here are some ways to create a trauma-informed workplace:

  • Provide opportunities to learn about trauma and how to act around each other.
  • Create a workplace culture that prioritizes safety, trust, and open communication.
  • Practice empathy and compassion – learn what to say and do when confronted with someone experiencing the effects of trauma.
  • Provide and promote resources such as counseling, employee assistance programs, or mental health support.
  • Be flexible and accommodating for team members who need support.
  • Promote self-care in the workplace and a work/life balance.
  • Address or minimize triggers in the workplace.
  • Assess what is working and adapt policies to address weak points.
CREATE AWARENESS

Unearth and Move Forward

Posted on by Byron Darden

“There will be obstacles. There will be doubters. There will be mistakes. But with hard work, there are no limits.”  –Michael Phelps

You’ve probably heard stories of leaders who faced adversity either in childhood or during the course of serving their company. They come from tough childhoods, drop out of college, or face bankruptcy. They didn’t let that stop them. They persevered and became leaders in their industry.  Some examples, are Colonel Sanders, Oprah Winfrey, JK Rowling, Michael Jordan, and so many more.

At Triple Axel, we focus on overcoming obstacles and helping you become the next great leader. A big part of that is providing tools to move past what is holding you back, and that includes healing trauma.

Scheduling a coaching session can unearth a level of awareness that will put you on the path to success. Book a session with Byron today and start your journey past fight or flight to conscious leadership.

BOOK A CALL

Founders Corner

Posted on by Byron Darden
https://youtu.be/IMcIZR7Zbjg

You’ve had your eye on a new role in your company and you want to do everything possible to prepare yourself to be the ideal candidate in the eyes of the decision-maker to ensure that you get the job. You study the requirements, comb through the job description, and confirm you’ve got what it takes to shine in this new position. You feel right for the opportunity. This will be a change for you – an event to go from one role to another. This is the ideal time to do something different that will challenge you in such a way that allows you to grow and develop your abilities. 

You also recognize there are a few skills you might want to develop to seal the deal. It could be highlighting your strengths in building relationships, or perhaps tweaking your ability to coach others given this new opportunity puts you in a leadership role. You may even find it helpful to develop your ability to effectively engage others on a team, while at the same time, impressing upper management that they can count on you to lead new lines of business. 

You might ask yourself, what will it take to enhance building relationships, coaching others, and engaging audiences of one to one hundred or even a thousand? What steps will you need to take? Which new techniques will aid you best? How will you go from being an individual contributor to developing others’ ability to contribute to business objectives and desired outcomes? The answers to those questions will serve as your transitions. 

Hi, I’m Byron Darden. Welcome to the start of our series on Transitions. I thought it fitting to start this series at the Gateway Arch here in Saint Louis, Missouri which physically illustrates the transition from one foundation to another. For those of you already familiar with my background in figure skating, you might have guessed that transitions are my specialty. 

Skating on ice is all about making transitions from one skate to another, from edge to edge, and often from one discipline in the sport to another. For over 40 years I’ve mastered transitions in the Olympic sport of figure skating. And for over 20 years I’ve applied that mastery to executives all over the world in honing their ability to become more effective leaders. 

I look forward to helping you make effective transitions in your career trajectory as well.

Working Through Transitions

Posted on by Byron Darden

Our lives pass through many phases.  We go from living with our parents to striking out on our own.  We graduate from grade school, then high school, then college.  We move from one job to another or from one department to another, climbing the corporate ladder.  Some of us marry and have children.  Some of us move to a different state or country. People come and go in our lives.  

All of these require going through transitions that we face over time.  We experience them at different times or rates of frequency and they all change us – one way or another.

This month begins our series on Transitions in the workplace and beyond – recognizing them, dealing with them, and thriving through them.

REACH OUT

Change Can Be Uncomfortable

Posted on by Byron Darden

There are numerous ways of looking at the concept of transitions.  It could be used in general to explain the process of someone moving, or being moved, from one set of services to another.  It could also encompass the adoption of a new look – such is the case for dress for success – or way of being – as we might adopt new behaviors and alternative mindsets.  

In the end, transition refers to the movement from a current state to a future state.  Whatever it is we are doing now, we plan to do it differently in the future, or possibly not at all.

What makes a transition most challenging is that it can be emotionally triggering to make a change. Most of us have a desire to stay in our comfort zone and most often that means staying the same…or so we believe! 

I have found that change is not really what haunts us the most.  It is that we have developed patterns that allow us to seemingly work on autopilot doing something repeatedly without thinking too much about it.  We are compared to machines that were designed to do just that.

We are not machines, we are living, breathing beings that need change to thrive and survive.

When burnout occurs due to monotony or high stress, ask yourself – “Has the lack of change contributed to the feeling?  Should you answer yes, then step out of your comfort zone and work through a transition. 

LEARN TO THRIVE

Pushing Through Discomfort

Posted on by Byron Darden

I am in the business of change.  Anyone reading this article right now might be looking to make a change and are wondering how to do it effectively, efficiently, and with as little disruption to the current day-to-day as possible.  

Once we make whatever change seems the most necessary, we want to feel positive about the change and feel it is worth what it will take to sustain the change we have in mind.

Change is important for several reasons:

  • Change teaches us things about ourselves. It opens the doors to new possibilities.
  • Change enables us to adapt to new situations. It allows us to meet people and step into new environments.
  • Change allows us to look at things from a new perspective. These views may reinforce or challenge our life values.
  • Change gives us the strength to make it through tough times. It helps us put one foot in front of the other.  

What most of us fail to realize is that in between the decision to change and the execution of the change is the art of the transition.  The smoother the transition, the easier the change.  When a transition becomes bumpy and disruptive, we feel off balance and would rather go back to the way we used to do it so the feeling of comfort returns. 

The challenge with that thinking is that we soon return to the feeling that got us thinking about making a change in the first place.

Transitions will take you on a roller coaster of emotions.  It’s important to step back and understand the why of the change and envision the future state after the change.  

GET UNSTUCK

Fight, Flight, or Freeze

Posted on by Byron Darden

At its essence, transitions are what allow us to simply walk.  We move one foot in front of the other every time we stroll somewhere. It could be from our bedroom to our bathroom. We move from breakfast to lunch. We go from home to work and back again at the end of the day.  Our work lives require us to work on one project and then move to the next. Or as many of us experience, working on more than one project at a time. 

We acknowledge how we behave and note that we can benefit from choosing new ways of behaving in the world to make living in it easier, more fruitful, and pleasing as an end game.

We are making these transitions every day, all day, and in several different aspects of living our lives. Most of them we give little thought to and yet, when the word change comes into our reality, we cringe. Some feel the sensations associated with the flight, fight, or freeze response to a perceived threat. 

Understanding these responses will help you work through them. In all three, your defenses are up and you anticipate a threat or sense of danger.  That danger could be the perceived change that affects your comfort level.

  • Fight – You are ready to stand your ground! You might feel intense emotions and a knot in your stomach, and you are prepared to fight the danger head-on.
  • Flight – You are restless, tense, and feel trapped. You are ready to head in the opposite direction. 
  • Freeze – You feel stuck in place.  Your heart is pounding and you may not know what action to take, so you end up not taking any.

When you feel one of these stress responses, it’s important to take a deep breath and consider what is happening.  Stepping back until you feel comfortable with the change or talking to a trusted advisor before making a final decision can prove helpful.

The flip side of responding to a decision by stepping back first is when you are faced with a decision that must be made now! Your option to weigh the pros and cons is short-changed. Think on your feet. 

BREAK THROUGH

Life is a Journey

Posted on by Byron Darden

What will make a transition most seamless is to determine what set of steps you will use to move forward to the future state. The movement from state to state is the change. 

What happens during that change is the transition that serves as the vehicle to differentiate and accomplish the change from one event to another. The more well-defined the transition is, the easier the acceptance of the new state or event we enter. 

It isn’t reaching the destination that is the goal. It is the journey towards that goal where our focus must stay. 

Keep in mind that change can happen suddenly or gradually.  The steps to the pinnacle of leadership can take longer than you like.  Those steps are there for a reason – to prepare you.  While some leaders have an innate ability to respond to challenges effectively, the rest of us follow a bumpier road with many twists and turns.  Every setback makes you stronger and/or wiser.

TAKE THE FIRST STEP

From the Ice to the Boardroom

Posted on by Byron Darden

Many of my readers know of my four decades in the sport of figure skating. I refer to that time often in my work because those forty years were all about how to make smooth transitions. 

At the core of figure skating is the transition from one edge to another, from one stroke of one blade on the ice to the next stroke of the other blade on the ice. Everything I learned in figure skating is about mastering the transition of weight from one part of the body or edge to another, as seamlessly and as controlled as possible.

I’ve taken what I’ve learned from skating and applied it to coaching executives on how to make changes in their behavior that will inspire change in the outcome of their leadership. When they see the benefit, they also find it easier to maintain the shift they’ve made. 

You will notice that Triple Axel executive coaching is also in transition. Over the next several months you will notice changes we are making – from our new website to our new offerings – and to how we interact with you and all our clients in making your experience one that is meaningful, fruitful and will increase the bottom line of business in order to continue surviving and thriving.

LET’S CONNECT